I bet Jesus flew when no one was looking

Can you imagine how bored Jesus must have been just walking around on Earth? As God he could do anything he wanted, including but not limited to: flying, x-ray vision, super strength, invisibility, telepathy, shape shifting, teleportation, regeneration, telekinesis, super speed, and time travel. The thought of this led me to google "jesus flying." The result of this search is nothing short of astounding. There are so so so many pictures of Jesus on the internet. The best of those pictures aren't found in religious settings like one would imagine. Let's take a journey. We'll call it a walk of faith.

Here we have astronaut Jesus. Not only is he going to die for your sins, but he's going to fly to an asteroid with Bruce Willis to stop it from killing us all. Yippee kay yay, Jesus. If I were Jesus I would have asked for the non-Ronald McDonald space suit. Hope you got some chicken nuggets for the ride.

Let me set up a scene for you. Da da daaaa da daaa, da da daaaa da daa, da daaaa daaaa daaa daaaaaaaaaaa (Jurassic Park theme). The paleontologists arrive to JP as well as the kids. "You bred raptors?" Uh oh. T-Rex eats a goat. Jeff Goldblum is an idiot. Raptors start wreaking havoc. Jesus shows up and cuddles. Pterodactyl. Fin.

The last thing Jesus wants is your weak shit. Don't ball with Jesus unless you're ready to put up some points. Oh you wanna shoot on Jesus? STUFFED! What's funny is that the kids in this picture are laughing while Jesus crushes their hoop dreams. Bring the noise or take your weak ass home. Amen.

Oh hey Jesus. Looks like that cat has a longer reach than you do. The biggest difference in this picture is that Jesus is telling the world how much he loves it and the cat is saying "my nap was thiiiiiis long." You are a true prince, little cat.

There is nothing more hardcore than karate with guns. Trumped. There is nothing more hardcore than karate with guns yielded by the Lord. This Easter. The king of kings descends to hell only to come back as a grammaton cleric. Shoot not, lest ye be shot. Don't even think about bleeding on his white suit.

I pity the fool that thinks he can score on Jesus. Somewhere between the Vulcan death grip and the razor sharp halo, your ball will be destroyed. He doesn't even need a scrunchy to keep the hair out of his eyes.

Somewhere in Texas, George Bush has this hanging on his mantle. When we need a hero we call on Republican Jesus. He comes equipped with an automatic rifle, a confederate flag, and a fleet of jets at his command. He will shoot you faster than you can say gay marriage. RJ looks to the future of mankind with one eye on gas prices. Don't ask for a war unless you want this bad ass kicking down your door. With Chuck Norris has his first general, RJ is going to bomb everyone with the ferocity of a thousand Walmart moms.

There is absolutely nothing that needs to be said about the awesomeness of this picture.

Even cats love Jesus.

Thanks for reading. Peace.

there is one window in my office

During the workday I try to do as much work as possible but I seem to always find the time to play. Some of my distractions are worthwhile and keep me up to date with current events while others tell me what cats think. Whatever the distraction is, it makes the time go by quicker. There’s nothing more agonizing than watching the clock tick…slowly. Five o’clock becomes a myth that you might have heard about in early post grad.


Remember in college when you would be fighting sleep and watching the clock tick? It was a struggle just to pay attention but the clock was always working against you. You would start to doze off and then you would wake yourself up with the hilarious and embarrassing jolt. The jolt was funny because you try your best to play it off. Everyone knows you were asleep buddy, don’t swat at the air, there’s no fly. I used to pull the gotta-tie-my-shoes-right-now reaction.

So instead of staring at your monitor as if some sort of baked treat was going to pop out of it, use it to your benefit. Here are a few suggestions based on my own work distractions. I hope my boss doesn’t read this.

Let’s kick it off with some knowledge. I like to read the news every day. It keeps me well rounded. Every once and then I just use my Google Reader but to get to the nitty gritty I use three news sites.

www.thewashingtonpost.com
This is strictly news with a little flavor if you go to the Going Out Guide. No frills, just facts.

www.slate.com
Slate is part of the Washington Post company but it’s much more hip. The screenshot shows that it still contains all the news that you want and some of the fluff that makes news fun. Think of it as news in a language that won’t put you to sleep.

news.google.com
In a world where google is a verb I would fully expect Google to carry some news. It’s a collection of the most popular news for the day. It doesn’t update much during the day though so don’t go to this one that often.

Now for the funny distractions


http://icanhascheezburger.com/
Captioned cats. I shouldn’t have to say more than that but everyone needs to go through this site at least once a week. You can either go to look at cute cats or to laugh at what they are thinking. The captions ARE what they are thinking.

http://peoplewhodeserveit.com/
I really hate it when I’m walking somewhere and there is a group of people walking slower than death. This website calls that the Slow Walker Sidewalk Blocker. “You clog our sidewalks and subway platforms. You make us late and irritable. You ruin the morning before the day even starts. And one of these days, you’re going to get punched in the face. And it’s nobody’s fault but your own.” If you ever want a type of people or something that you really hate get punched in the face, then check out this site. You might share a common bond with the writers (which are hilarious, by the way).

http://www.overheardintheoffice.com/
I love this site because it is spot on. We have all overheard someone in the next cubicle or office that makes you turn your head like a beagle asking for a Beggin’ Strip. Dogs don’t know it’s not bacon. This collection of overheard conversations is worth a chuckle or two. Search by city, you might have been quoted.

Other distractions

If you ever want to lose track of your day make sure to get a Gmail account. Gmail is just AIM for grownups. You’re digitally shooting the shit with the few friends you kept up with enough to get their e-mail addresses. Anyone who doesn’t have a Gmail account hates America and progress.

www.pandora.com
If you like music then you will like Pandora. The only drawback to Pandora is the number of times I have had to give my stations a thumbs down. Overall it’ll keep you humming your favorite tunes all day. You just enter the name of an artist or song and then you’re ready to rock. Just don’t disturb your neighbors by singing any Lady Gaga. If you want to create your own playlists, try www.groovesharklite.com.

http://keubedykeu.blogspot.com/
I have just wasted 10 minutes of your day. You’re welcome. Keep on comin’ by and be a follower. It’s cool to follow.


Thanks for reading. Peace.

I forgot how to add thanks to trash tv

One of my roommates is a HUGE fan of junk TV. This is the kind of tv that makes you forget things because you are losing brain cells. The other day I walked past the tv in our living room and I'm pretty sure I forgot how to add. Now, I'm not judging anyone for watching these shows (yes I am), I'm merely saying: it would be a nipply day in Hell for me to sit down and enjoy any of these shows.

American Idol:

I'm gonna be honest, this show is more ridiculous than a Sarah Palin shopping spree. The judges on this show are caricatures. I'm pretty sure Paula Abdul died at some point but came back as a short circuited Terminator. I used to have dance parties with my sisters to her jams (I dare you to judge me). Now I look at her and fear what Skynet is up to. Does anyone remember the video of her with the cartoon wolf? It was AWESOME!

I'm not sure who that other chick is so she gets to escape me for today.

Randy was in Journey. I respect him.

Simon must have a lifetime supply of V-neck t-shirts. He has moobs (man-boobs) yet he still rocks the baby tee. Why are his arms always crossed? Maybe he is just keeping his nip nips warm. I think it's funny that he is the final word on everything. These poor insecure singers are hanging on his every word. It will be a sad sad day when I pray for approval from a 50 year old, baby Gap t-shirt wearing British man.

I'm not gonna knock the contestants, much. They get out there every week and sing their hearts out. Good for them for trying. One of my coworkers sent me clips from the two finalists and I'm impressed...with one of them. Vote for Kris.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9LkPS5bC1S4&NR=1

Grey's Anatomy:

I seriously used to watch this show. You know why? 'Cause my roommate and I would have girls over to watch it with us. Everyone wins! It used to be somewhat entertaining. There was a time when this show was about the medical field. I'm pretty sure that now it's a cross between Poltergeist and General Hospital. I could be wrong, but probably not. The only difference between this show and a soap opera is the time slot. Here is a summary of what I have from hear-say.

Meredith is a doctor - Meredith loves McDreamy - Meredith almost dies - Meredith gets married.

Izzy was in a men's magazine - Izzy is a doctor - Izzy fell in love - Denny died - Izzy sees dead people - Bruce Willis is a ghost.

George is a doctor - George gets married - George has a close encounter with Izzy and probably has a three-way with a ghost.

McDreamy is a doctor - McDreamy is smart - McDreamy's ex wife is hotter than his girlfriend - Addison leaves - McDreamy settles for silver medal.

That's all I know.

The Bachelor:

If ever there was a show that made a mockery of love, it was The Bachelor. A group of gold digging women vie for the affection of a rich guy. Now here's the thing. The guy is always attractive and is rich. He must be boring as hell if he can't find a wife. "I, duhhh, I have monies. Me likes boobs. Marry?" Mr. Bachelor gets to date all of these women at once and do whatever he wants and gets away with it. Congrats contestants, you have put women back 600 years. These women are competing with each other to be used by a man with money. I think Susan B. Anthony's grave just exploded.

What really bothers me about the show is that everyone falls in love. Wait. Love? Seriously? "I spent the best two hours of my life with him. We drank Santana champagne ('cause it's so crisp) on his yacht and it was magical. Then we went below and so did he." Two hours? Love. At the end of this the guy goes home with a girl and a venereal disease.




The Hills or any variation thereof:




I can sum up my feelings for this show with a short dialogue

Hey
Hi
So last night I was all tipsy on the beach and Thad saw me.
Thad saw you?
Totally
What did he say?
He was all like, "Amber, why are you tipsy? Don't you know my hair defines my emotion."
Omg!
I know! Our relationship used to be so fetch.
What are you gonna do?
I dunno, I'll probably call Trent.
Oh, do you think you'll get back together with Trent?
Probably. He is leaving for Europe next week and I kinda wanna go.
Good call.
So what are you gonna do later today?
I dunno, probably some blow.
You're bad.
Tee hee.
I haven't eaten in 3 months.
...


Thanks for reading. Peace.