The state of people

I’m going to try a new entry set in this blog. I’m not sure where it will go but my mission is to move people to action. I’m not trying to change the world, but I wouldn’t mind changing an attitude or two. The State of People will focus on the good and the bad I physically see in the world. It will probably be a little more serious than my other blog entries so don’t expect a lot of laughs. I will, however, ask for the readers to reach out and share. Harmony takes more than one note.

Setting: Tuesday morning, metro

Time: 9ish

As I pass through the gates at the metro I approach the escalator. I’m standing behind two women. Both in their late 20s, early 30s. In front of them is a man holding his daughter’s hand (maybe 4 years old) and his other daughter’s hand (maybe 3) with his other hand. Hanging off his chest and shoulders is his newborn baby boy (twin 1). He is tucked away in one of those baby koala pocket thingys that makes you look like you should be on a Sacagawea dollar. In front of Dad is Mom. She is carefully moving a stroller down the escalator with the other newborn (twin 2). Needless to say, this little family is taking up the width of this escalator. Also, the escalator has stopped to conveniently become stairs.

The first thing I hear is, “you gotta be kidding me.” Woman A, we’ll call her Lucy, is rolling her eyes and pointing. Woman B, we’ll call her Sandra, is trying to inch around one of the 3 year old girls. The girl isn’t budging, ‘cause she’s not about to let go of Dad’s hand and Dad is making sure Mom and the baby get down safely. John and Kate plus 8 (-4) is slowly moving down the escalator when Sandra says, “can you please hurry up.” Lucy chimes in, “seriously, we need to get to work!” Dad remains cool and responds with, “I’m moving as fast as I can but it’s hard to move the whole family down the escalator.”

For the next 2 minutes the women berate Dad and tell the family how they should be moving down the escalator. Not only that, but others have joined in at this point. “You should’ve taken the elevator.” “We’re only in town visiting and we weren’t sure where the elevator was.” Mom is yelling back and just trying to defend her family.

Okay, a few things. I know the elevator isn’t hard to find. I know how annoying it can be to miss your train. I know that no one likes to be late for work (if they get in trouble for it). What, however, makes these two mega bitches think that it’s okay to yell at ANYONE as they are holding not one, not two, but three children? Watching these little girls stare at these women who are yelling at their dad was heart breaking. Also, if you’re so eager to point out the elevator, why aren’t YOU on it? I know it must be hard walking around in heels that could sink a ship with a bun so tight that your eyelids haven’t closed since 2003, but come the eff on. Yelling orders isn’t getting anyone anywhere.

Let’s suppose for a second that Lucy and Sandra were worried about missing their train. Uh oh, better catch it; there will NEVER be another train AGAIN. This was the Blue and Yellow line at Pentagon City. I don’t think I’ve ever seen an actual delay in Pentagon City. Now let’s suppose they were running late. They get to their office and the world hasn’t ended. Their bosses ask, “why are you late?” “I stopped to help a family get down the escalator.” When, if ever, will you get a slap on the wrist for helping a family of tourists? Maybe your boss is a monster that eats babies but I think you might be safe. Also, if your boss is pissed at you for being 5 minutes late for helping some children, well…you need a new job.

As the train arrived I helped the family carry on some of their million strollers. Mom looked at me with beads of sweat on her forehead and a look that said “I slept for 2 hours last night,” and thanked me. I could tell the gratitude wasn’t for helping her move the strollers, but because I wasn’t an asshole.

Thanks for reading. Peace.

I bet Jesus flew when no one was looking

Can you imagine how bored Jesus must have been just walking around on Earth? As God he could do anything he wanted, including but not limited to: flying, x-ray vision, super strength, invisibility, telepathy, shape shifting, teleportation, regeneration, telekinesis, super speed, and time travel. The thought of this led me to google "jesus flying." The result of this search is nothing short of astounding. There are so so so many pictures of Jesus on the internet. The best of those pictures aren't found in religious settings like one would imagine. Let's take a journey. We'll call it a walk of faith.

Here we have astronaut Jesus. Not only is he going to die for your sins, but he's going to fly to an asteroid with Bruce Willis to stop it from killing us all. Yippee kay yay, Jesus. If I were Jesus I would have asked for the non-Ronald McDonald space suit. Hope you got some chicken nuggets for the ride.

Let me set up a scene for you. Da da daaaa da daaa, da da daaaa da daa, da daaaa daaaa daaa daaaaaaaaaaa (Jurassic Park theme). The paleontologists arrive to JP as well as the kids. "You bred raptors?" Uh oh. T-Rex eats a goat. Jeff Goldblum is an idiot. Raptors start wreaking havoc. Jesus shows up and cuddles. Pterodactyl. Fin.

The last thing Jesus wants is your weak shit. Don't ball with Jesus unless you're ready to put up some points. Oh you wanna shoot on Jesus? STUFFED! What's funny is that the kids in this picture are laughing while Jesus crushes their hoop dreams. Bring the noise or take your weak ass home. Amen.

Oh hey Jesus. Looks like that cat has a longer reach than you do. The biggest difference in this picture is that Jesus is telling the world how much he loves it and the cat is saying "my nap was thiiiiiis long." You are a true prince, little cat.

There is nothing more hardcore than karate with guns. Trumped. There is nothing more hardcore than karate with guns yielded by the Lord. This Easter. The king of kings descends to hell only to come back as a grammaton cleric. Shoot not, lest ye be shot. Don't even think about bleeding on his white suit.

I pity the fool that thinks he can score on Jesus. Somewhere between the Vulcan death grip and the razor sharp halo, your ball will be destroyed. He doesn't even need a scrunchy to keep the hair out of his eyes.

Somewhere in Texas, George Bush has this hanging on his mantle. When we need a hero we call on Republican Jesus. He comes equipped with an automatic rifle, a confederate flag, and a fleet of jets at his command. He will shoot you faster than you can say gay marriage. RJ looks to the future of mankind with one eye on gas prices. Don't ask for a war unless you want this bad ass kicking down your door. With Chuck Norris has his first general, RJ is going to bomb everyone with the ferocity of a thousand Walmart moms.

There is absolutely nothing that needs to be said about the awesomeness of this picture.

Even cats love Jesus.

Thanks for reading. Peace.

there is one window in my office

During the workday I try to do as much work as possible but I seem to always find the time to play. Some of my distractions are worthwhile and keep me up to date with current events while others tell me what cats think. Whatever the distraction is, it makes the time go by quicker. There’s nothing more agonizing than watching the clock tick…slowly. Five o’clock becomes a myth that you might have heard about in early post grad.


Remember in college when you would be fighting sleep and watching the clock tick? It was a struggle just to pay attention but the clock was always working against you. You would start to doze off and then you would wake yourself up with the hilarious and embarrassing jolt. The jolt was funny because you try your best to play it off. Everyone knows you were asleep buddy, don’t swat at the air, there’s no fly. I used to pull the gotta-tie-my-shoes-right-now reaction.

So instead of staring at your monitor as if some sort of baked treat was going to pop out of it, use it to your benefit. Here are a few suggestions based on my own work distractions. I hope my boss doesn’t read this.

Let’s kick it off with some knowledge. I like to read the news every day. It keeps me well rounded. Every once and then I just use my Google Reader but to get to the nitty gritty I use three news sites.

www.thewashingtonpost.com
This is strictly news with a little flavor if you go to the Going Out Guide. No frills, just facts.

www.slate.com
Slate is part of the Washington Post company but it’s much more hip. The screenshot shows that it still contains all the news that you want and some of the fluff that makes news fun. Think of it as news in a language that won’t put you to sleep.

news.google.com
In a world where google is a verb I would fully expect Google to carry some news. It’s a collection of the most popular news for the day. It doesn’t update much during the day though so don’t go to this one that often.

Now for the funny distractions


http://icanhascheezburger.com/
Captioned cats. I shouldn’t have to say more than that but everyone needs to go through this site at least once a week. You can either go to look at cute cats or to laugh at what they are thinking. The captions ARE what they are thinking.

http://peoplewhodeserveit.com/
I really hate it when I’m walking somewhere and there is a group of people walking slower than death. This website calls that the Slow Walker Sidewalk Blocker. “You clog our sidewalks and subway platforms. You make us late and irritable. You ruin the morning before the day even starts. And one of these days, you’re going to get punched in the face. And it’s nobody’s fault but your own.” If you ever want a type of people or something that you really hate get punched in the face, then check out this site. You might share a common bond with the writers (which are hilarious, by the way).

http://www.overheardintheoffice.com/
I love this site because it is spot on. We have all overheard someone in the next cubicle or office that makes you turn your head like a beagle asking for a Beggin’ Strip. Dogs don’t know it’s not bacon. This collection of overheard conversations is worth a chuckle or two. Search by city, you might have been quoted.

Other distractions

If you ever want to lose track of your day make sure to get a Gmail account. Gmail is just AIM for grownups. You’re digitally shooting the shit with the few friends you kept up with enough to get their e-mail addresses. Anyone who doesn’t have a Gmail account hates America and progress.

www.pandora.com
If you like music then you will like Pandora. The only drawback to Pandora is the number of times I have had to give my stations a thumbs down. Overall it’ll keep you humming your favorite tunes all day. You just enter the name of an artist or song and then you’re ready to rock. Just don’t disturb your neighbors by singing any Lady Gaga. If you want to create your own playlists, try www.groovesharklite.com.

http://keubedykeu.blogspot.com/
I have just wasted 10 minutes of your day. You’re welcome. Keep on comin’ by and be a follower. It’s cool to follow.


Thanks for reading. Peace.